i am not a girl, i am a cyborg. my plastic heart cannot love.

got lured over to facebook and then got lazy and stayed. the only problem is they all know me there. here i can post fucked up things about how i feel or think and it's fine. just a little venting. FB is waaaay too familiar. it's like the worst high school you could be forced to attend. fucked up night but things always turn around. fweh...i need a vacation for just me. just me and my car. and a road. but no map.

ache. right now i just ache. i learned a long time ago not to look for what you don't want to find. but what if something that was trying to hide from you shows up when they thought you'd be out? how do i ignore that? like a cockroach skittering across the floor, discovered by a flick of the lightswitch. do i step on it, or watch to see where it goes so that i can try and avoid it?

my little cat tsuki has died. my little black pearl is now lost at sea. i am miserable and heartbroken. people say "but she lived such a good long life! 16 years! was so loved!" all true...but none of it makes me miss her less. i love you tsuki!

there is a giant heron that stalks the fields across from the employee parking lot. his name is Edgar. we're pretty good friends.

i got a new phone. it's a "smartphone". it's fucking awesome. i can't figure it out. it's kicking my dumbass. i love it. i love it because my family is scared of/too dumb to figure out new technology. it took my brother 6 years to understand how to retrieve his voice messages (he only has a cellphone because his job makes him carry it) and his loathing/fear of technology is hilarious. if it were up to him, we would still have blocks of ice delivered to our homes instead of refrigeration. my mom is convinced i'm retarded and a miscreant for having a myspace page or for knowing what "facebook" is. i "waste my life" playing world of warcraft. my stepdad won't play it because it's online and that's how people "steal your identity. they get all your info when you play online games." right. not because ALL INFORMATION is on a computer database somewhere, it's all really stored in a treasure chest at the bottom of a virtual sea in the world of warcraft. don't get me wrong, my stepdad is awesome. i love him to death. it's just funny that they think i am part of the ruin of man because i can decipher text messages not written in proper english. i love my brother too...but he's pretty much a douche. and my mom can't decide if i'm awesome or awful which is fine too.

SKIING on the STREETS of PORTLAND!
Current mood: obsequious

i was SNOWED IN for 4 days!! the biggest snowfall portland has seen in 40 years! it was great! because we live on the dark side of a butte, the snow piled high on our side of the street. it was waist deep in our driveway! and we were totally unprepared. on the forth day we left the house and walked a good 3 or 4 miles to finally find a hardware store that had one (yes, ONE) shovel left. the smallest most pathetic little shovel in the world, but we bought it and commenced to dig my truck out of the snow. we could only afford a pair of chains for one vehicle and since rob's car was almost lost in the driveway we chose the truck. then we headed off to one of my new favorite destinations...FRED MEYER! bought a case of soda, 2 packs of cigarettes, meat, rice, and toilet paper. thats all you really need. (except beer. *sigh...i miss you, beer!!) anyway, i missed 3 days of work i still get paid for and no, i am not sick of the cold yet. since i am "from" texas, people here feel obligated to ask me that ALL THE FUCKING TIME. i love oregon...but as of yet i am still unsure of oregonians. no offense to those who might read this. or fuck it, a LOT of offense to those who might read this. p.s. we mostly cancelled x-mess this year due to sheer broke-ness, but a late merry christmas to you and i hope you got what you asked for if not for what you had coming to you. LATER.

Currently reading :
Haunted: A Novel
By Chuck Palahniuk
Release date: By 2006-04-11

i was watching tv today and the opening scene of "the shining" came on.

me: "isn't that hotel around here somewhere?"

rob: "yup. it's the timberline lodge. wanna go?"

me: "yes i fucking do!"

so instead of watching the movie, we went to the movie.

sort of.

the opening scenes were shot at the timberline, but the rest of the movie was created on a london soundstage. even so, the timberline is fucking beautiful! 1930's art deco palace. we drove up mount hood, saw several awesome houses and lodges, and several awesome meth dens and walked in the snow. the SNOW! granted, it hasn't snowed alot around here. i guess we brought the texas heat with us (how sexy!) but i stood in real snow, walked around the timberline lodge and froze my ass off today. i love this place. i'm going to save up and stay at the timberline, get drunk and wander in the wilderness. it's gonna be great!

i have soooo much to post, but waaaay too busy. let me just say this: PORTLAND IS AWESOME. there is no way i could be happier. i got new gutters put on the house and i almost pee'd with glee. that's fucking joy right there people.

turns out my hot boyfriend jemaine clement recently "married" his "longterm girlfriend"!! the hell?? what kind of guy makes you fall hopelessly in love with him and then marries some bitch behind your back?! good thing i have my hot husband to fall back on or else i'd be fucked. ...damn!!

i want to tell you about my brother's friend Mike. i met him the other day. a strange yet extremely familiar day. mike lives in a house that should not only be condemned but demolished. he pays $300 a month in rent which is easily $250 too much. when you are inside, you feel like you are outside, everything coated in a fine yet seemingly purposefully arranged dust. the bathroom is intact but upon entrance, one feels immediately as if they are in an escher induced diorama as the corner floor joists are so hopelessly dilapidated that the rooms seems to shrink and sink away. the backyard (if you could call it that) is filled with such an array of trash and ephemera that it looks staged. i notice a single pink and glittered flip flop overturned near the gate. when i point out that cinderella has lost her slipper i'm met with groans from my audience. seems that "cinderella" is in fact the "anti-cinderella" and her story is meant for another time and is not told to me. mike himself is easily in his 50's. he is at once jovial and generous, telling me whatever i want from the fridge is mine. he's a stocky guy with a serious buddah beer belly yet in no way obese. his chin has a fine white stubble, his chest and arms are covered in white curly fur yet his flesh is a deep tan. testament to his habit of sitting outdoors, chatting to neighbors and passersby. his hair is a curly unkempt mass of salt and pepper, his eyes so vibrantly blue they look almost like ice. but mike's most striking feature is hidden by his bushy mustache. he has a severe hair-lip. he has a tiny white chihuahua, an immaculately clean animal with a giant bell attached to his collar. he is very social and loving and has an affinity for slim-jims. when i ask the dog's name, mike says "cee-ko". chico? "no CEEE-KO...ceeek-ko." my brother whispers, "cisco." but everyone calls the dog "sicko" because that's how mike says it. just then an ice cream truck went by playing a distorted muffled tune, a warped and disturbing version of some mexican lullaby that comes across as sinister yet hypnotic. i light another cigarette and wait to see what happens next.